A private concierge service for Ontario's most valued patrons. The waterfront, the airspace, the receipts — all curated, all reserved, all comped by the public. If you've arrived here in error, the complaint desk is at the bottom of the page.
Six ways we've redesigned Ontario around our most valued clients. If you don't see your preferred amenity, ask your concierge — we can probably move it for you.
Why should a local park get in the way of your weekend? We're taking Little Norway Park to lengthen the tarmac. Park two private jets for the price of one. They lose a playground; you gain a faster descent to the lounge.
Public land is a waste of a good view. We're giving the waterfront to a private spa and making "everyday people" pay $400M for the parking garage. Your kids can occupy themselves with "sciency things" next door while you take in a deep-tissue massage.
High rent isn't a crisis — it's a security feature. It keeps the "rabble" out. We'll keep blocking rent controls and building luxury condos so your properties stay profitable and exclusive.
Doing deals this big requires total privacy. That's why we passed a law to make the Premier's text messages vanish forever — even the ones a court told us to release. No trail, no trouble, no journalists.
Why follow the rules when you can opt out of them? Under Bill 5, carve your own private jurisdiction out of Ontario. No assessments, no consultations, no bylaws. Sovereignty, on demand.
Ontario's motto is "A Place to Grow." We grow exactly one thing for you: the pile. Tax holidays, sole-source contracts, regulatory loopholes — all on standing offer. If you have to ask, you're not on the list.
We've helpfully drafted one for you. You'll find it tedious. Sign it anyway — it's thirty seconds, and Management has promised to pretend to read every word.
Submit Your Grievance → · postage paid · letter pre-written ·A bold new vision for Ontario. Every park, a parking lot in waiting. Every public asset, a press release from a buyer. We're delighted.
— A Valued Patron · Forest Hill
Little Norway Park. Ontario Place. The Science Centre. Bill 97. None of it is satire. All of it is being done in your name, with your money, by a government betting you'll be too tired to notice. So notice. Then send the letter.
Send a Real Letter to Doug Ford → · this part is not a joke ·